Every once in a while I get going down a particular communication path with my husband where the underlying story is this:
Because you’re not giving me exactly what I want when I want it, you can’t truly love me.
It’s beautiful, no? And trust me, behaving like a petulant four year old doesn’t exactly endear one’ s partner to oneself. In other words, by asserting this story, this belief, I’m constructing a scenario in which I’m much less likely to actually get what it is I want.
My husband, however, has recently reached a new level of personal development that leaves him disinclined to retort with the likes of a steely-eyed adolescent glare. These days, he just turns to me and says, “Would you step outside of that story?”
This is a particularly tricky move on his part. He knows that I use the framework of story in my coaching (even when I’m not naming it as such). He’s heard me talk about how we get so stuck in specific narratives about ourselves and our lives that we begin to see ourselves as victims of circumstance, unable to even imagine – let alone create – a different scenario. And it’s true. We do this in relationships, in our careers, in business.
His use of my language, of my paradigm, is like taking a shortcut to checkmate. It’s a gift. Really.
I’m always looking to expand my world, to increase the possibilities that exist and put myself in a situation to change if I so desire it. That exploration has resulted in, and is continuing through, a new teleclass series that I’m offering called Crafting Your Story of Change.
If you find yourself stuck in particular stories that don’t serve you, don’t contribute or add meaning to your life, then I encourage you to join me!
For now, I’m going to try a new story out.
Even though you can’t always give me exactly what I want when I want it, I know you love me.
Whaddya think?
Tags: change
I love it. Now — the trick is to figure out what your stories are in the less obvious ways and then step out of them! I’m on board!
Good call, Amanda. The more important narratives to unpack are almost always camouflaged and diverting.
What if your partner is not able to provide your wants because they can’t give you what you need? Do you step outside of your story then? How do you get your needs met?
Kelly – great questions! My first thought is that we are fundamentally responsible for ensuring that our needs our met, either through what we offer ourselves or through what we ask from others.
As it relates to story, the first part of “stepping outside” is to change the language from “you can’t meet my needs” to “my needs aren’t getting met.” That essentially brings that ball back into your court, enabling you to move from victim to creator and provides you with choice – to stay and appreciate where you are, to stay and ask for change, or to go.
How does this land for you?