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Occupational Hazards

Written by Jennifer on 6th August 2010

I listen. A lot. But professionally, it’s more than listening. It’s about creating a space that’s all about the other person and being present to their needs and wants.

Recently, I’ve begun to notice that I’m doing this personally. It can be hard for me to assert myself in a conversation the way other people do. I often wait to be asked what’s going on as opposed to launching into the story of what’s going on for me. I hold back. It’s like I reflexively keep the focus on the other person.

So when I was out for a walk with one of my best girlfriends last night, I found myself continually asking questions, listening, empathizing and offering feedback. I wasn’t being a coach, per say, but I also wasn’t being a friend: I wasn’t giving her the chance to ask follow-up questions, to listen, to empathize, to offer me feedback.

As the evening wore on, I began to notice that I was feeling distant and uncared for. Which is precisely when I remembered that few people care about me more than this friend and that I had the ability to ask (implicitly or explicitly) for what I wanted! So at the first opening, I took a deep breath and launched into a long story about my week. And then I launched into another about a personal problem I was facing.

By the end of the night, I had experienced all the intimacy and care that I had wanted. It was available to me the whole time. I just had to reach out and take it!

Tags: abundance, coaching, gratitude, inspiration, listening
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Blurring the Sacred and Secular

Written by Jennifer on 1st June 2010

Humans seem to love categories. We evaluate, assess and assign people and things to different, appropriate categories. We especially do this when it comes to all things that fall into the sacred/secular camps:

This for my spirit; that for my body

This for God; that for humankind

This for the Church; that for the world

This for the Eternal; that for the temporal

We even capitalize the really important categories.

This tendency of humans to divvy up the sacred and secular made my experience at a dear friend’s wedding this weekend particularly meaningful. At first glance, the traditional categories were in play. They had a religious ceremony, held in a church, complete with a Reverend. Yes, the religious ceremony included no proselytizing. Yes, the church is liberal, LGBT-friendly and active in social justice issues. Yes, the Reverend is a woman. But I stopped slicing and dicing along all of those particular lines so long ago that, by my account, the ceremony fell into the traditional, sacred category.

(The rehearsal; (c) Scott Gleeson Blue)

Which begs the question: what, then, blurred the sacred and the secular?

It was the reception that did it.

Instead of moving the party to another location – or another part of the church building even – the chairs used for the ceremony were moved to tables to the immediate left and right, leaving a dance floor in the middle. Together, we ate and drank and danced and laughed where moments before there had been prayer and communion and marriage vows.

(Dancing at the wedding; (c) Emre Edev)

Most people I know are longing for a richer experience of life. Are seeking out people and experiences that bring them a taste of their own powerful, creative existence (and that of the eternal). In this way, categorization along sacred and secular lines seems to get in the way. It cuts us off from the holy experience of daily living or the spiritually nurturing nature of watching someone do the robot in the middle of a circle of tipsy wedding guests.

To be fully alive, I have discovered that I need to allow that what is for my body is also for my spirit; what is for my fellow humans is also for God; what is for the world, is also for the Church; and what is for the temporal is also for the Eternal. The line between the sacred and the secular must get muddy and blur such that dancing to James Brown’s Try Me and eating roast pork also became holy acts.

Tags: celebration, inspiration
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What? Say no to making New Year’s resolutions?!?

Written by Jennifer on 6th January 2010

You get about 75 million hits when searching google with keywords New + Year’s + Resolution. Everywhere I turn, it seems someone else is offering me THE top 5 tips for having my best year ever!!!

You’ve seen this, too, I’m sure and I’m curious: has it proven helpful to you? No? Yes? No matter. Let me add my voice to the cacophonous mess.

I was at the gym last night and overwhelmed at the staggering difference between the average number of people working out on any given night last month as compared to the zoo that was last night.

My husband commented that this was kinda cool. Health and fitness are good things to acheive and he wanted to celebrate the effort of those new to these goals. I rolled my eyes (how coach-like of me!) and said, “I know I can tend a little cynical, but how many of these folks do you think will be here in six months?”

Because I work with people on change all the time, I know how absolutely challenging it can be to sustain, especially without support. And for many people, New Year’s Resolutions are empty promises to themselves, often borne out of what they think they should do, not borne out of who they really are and what they really want. They often don’t even solve any existing problems which, quite frankly, is a real shot in motivation’s foot.

So if you’re among the masses who have identified any resolutions/goals/intentions for 2010 (I have), let me offer two bits of advice:

1. Ensure that it actually solves a real problem that you have (e.g., I will perform my physical therapy exercises three times a week because the pain caused by my poor posture is impeding my ability to function well)

2. Don’t commit to it if you don’t really want to

David Allen said, “Most of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not keeping agreements they’ve made with themselves.”

It’s counterintuitive to all the New Year’s hype, perhaps, but I seriously urge you to let go of making any agreements with yourself that you don’t anticipate keeping. I want you to have a very successful, meaningful and prosperous year. If that means letting some resolutions go, then by all means, take this coach’s suggestion and do just that!

Tags: change, goals, holidays, sustainability
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Holiday Expectations

Written by Jennifer on 2nd November 2009

Most people I know like to complain about three things this time of year: their jobs, the weather and the upcoming holidays. For that reason, I’m borrowing an article from my most recent newsletter that offers three tips on how to create the holiday experience you really want.

If you want personalized attention in creating a different holiday experience this year than you have in the past, please check out the Holiday Warm-Up Coaching Special. (Plus, register by November 6 and receive 25% off!)

Pre-Holiday Tips

For those of us who live in the US, the holiday season begins in November with Thanksgiving. Expectations about holidays can run high, with internal and external messages telling us how the season should be. This time of year can also be quite painful, highlighting family dysfunction and lost loved ones.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple tips to help you end this year right.

#1. Get over the fantasy.

No one has a Norman Rockwell life (and would you really want one, anyway?). There is no normal family and no right way to experience the holidays. Know yourself and know those you’ll be spending time with enough to recognize what can and can’t be.

For example, my parents are divorced and some of my siblings are half-siblings. I also have step-siblings. And a step-mother. And a half-step-sister. Could I ever have a nuclear family dinner on Christmas eve? No. Never. Please don’t make me.

Which brings me to the next tip.

#2. Identify what you really want.

And I’m talking about the bigger want, the meta-desire, if you will.

Here’s what I want: to feel loved, to give love, to have time to reflect on where I’ve been over the last 12 months and to really connect with myself, my spirituality and those I love. Only a handful of events could make fulfilling those wants really difficult. Baring those, as long as I don’t attach those deep desires to a fantasy experience, I can have what I want – whether I’m on an island in the Caribbean sipping mojitos or trekking back and forth between parents’ houses.

#3. Give only what you can give freely.

My marriage therapist taught me this principle years ago. If you can’t give without resentment, it’s not a gift and you shouldn’t do it. This applies to material gifts and it also applies to time.

When I first moved back East to where my entire family lives, I just went along for the ride for the holidays, going from house to house, accommodating everyone else. And then I got resentful. So I had to learn what I could and wanted to give and then communicate that to those I love. You know, keep good boundaries. The holiday’s are much better these days. :)

It’s not always easy to recognize the choices we have when it comes to creating the holiday season. When we do, a whole new path of freedom opens up to us. I hope the tips help you as you begin thinking about new ways to experience this season.

And don’t forget to check out the Holiday Warm-Up Coaching Special to create the personalized holiday experience you’re longing for!

For those of us who live in the US, the holiday season begins in November with Thanksgiving. Expectations about holidays can run high, with internal and external messages telling us how the season should be. This time of year can also be quite painful, highlighting family dysfunction and lost loved ones.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way! In addition to suggesting you take advantage of the Holiday Warm-Up Coaching Special, here are a few simple tips to help you end this year right.

#1. Get over the fantasy.No one has a Norman Rockwell life (and would you really want one, anyway?). There is no normal family and no right way to experience the holidays. Know yourself and know those you’ll be spending time with enough to recognize what can and can’t be.

Which brings me to the next tip.

#2. Identify what you really want. And I’m talking about the bigger want, the meta-desire, if you will.

#3. Give only what you can give freely. My marriage therapist taught me this principle years ago. If you can’t give without resentment, it’s not a gift and you shouldn’t do it. This applies to material gifts and it also applies to time.

Tags: change, happiness, holidays, inspiration
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The Slow Path of Consciousness

Written by Jennifer on 16th October 2009

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Tags: change, inspiration, sustainability
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