Archive for the ‘goals’ Category

What? Say no to making New Year’s resolutions?!?

Written by Jennifer on 6th January 2010

You get about 75 million hits when searching google with keywords New + Year’s + Resolution. Everywhere I turn, it seems someone else is offering me THE top 5 tips for having my best year ever!!!

You’ve seen this, too, I’m sure and I’m curious: has it proven helpful to you? No? Yes? No matter. Let me add my voice to the cacophonous mess.

I was at the gym last night and overwhelmed at the staggering difference between the average number of people working out on any given night last month as compared to the zoo that was last night.

My husband commented that this was kinda cool. Health and fitness are good things to acheive and he wanted to celebrate the effort of those new to these goals. I rolled my eyes (how coach-like of me!) and said, “I know I can tend a little cynical, but how many of these folks do you think will be here in six months?”

Because I work with people on change all the time, I know how absolutely challenging it can be to sustain, especially without support. And for many people, New Year’s Resolutions are empty promises to themselves, often borne out of what they think they should do, not borne out of who they really are and what they really want.  They often don’t even solve any existing problems which, quite frankly, is a real shot in motivation’s foot.

So if you’re among the masses who have identified any resolutions/goals/intentions for 2010 (I have), let me offer two bits of advice:

1. Ensure that it actually solves a real problem that you have (e.g., I will perform my physical therapy exercises three times a week because the pain caused by my poor posture is impeding my ability to function well)

2. Don’t commit to it if you don’t really want to

David Allen said, “Most of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not keeping agreements they’ve made with themselves.”

It’s counterintuitive to all the New Year’s hype, perhaps, but I seriously urge you to let go of making any agreements with yourself that you don’t anticipate keeping. I want you to have a very successful, meaningful and prosperous year. If that means letting some resolutions go, then by all means, take this coach’s suggestion and do just that!

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Posted in authenticity, change, commitment, goals, happiness, holidays, inspiration, problem-solving, sustainability | 4 Comments »

Jesus + New Age = Guilt?

Written by Jennifer on 22nd October 2009

The Bible Story

A very sick woman decided that if she could only touch the hem of Jesus’ man-dress, she would be healed. So she tracks him down, breaks multiple cultural norms and religious laws and touches the hem of his garment. She is immediately healed and Jesus turns to her and says, “Your faith has healed you.” A version of that story can be found here.

The Law of Attraction

According to Wikipedia, “the Law of Attraction says people’s thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) dictate the reality of their lives, whether or not they’re aware of it. Essentially, if you really want something and truly believe it’s possible, you’ll get it.”

The Shadow Side

Both of these ideas resonate with me and I’ve experienced the outworking of them. However, the distillation and combination of these two messages forces a shadow side to emerge that warrants attention. Without a broader context, ideas of faith and belief can easily lead to a path of guilt and self-blame. In other words, if I am not healed, if I do not have what I want, then it must be my fault. I have not had enough faith, I have not believed hard enough. I’ve heard this message of blame come through from traditional religious teachers and New Age gurus alike.

The Application

I’ve recently committed to taking my business to the next level financially. Most of the time, I believe I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it. I’ve decided to embrace, however, the really wise skeptic in me who nods and says, “Yes, but you’ve never done this before” or the little kid who says, “Yes, but I’m afraid to grow up that much!”

More than believing that I’m my own personal genie, I’ve committed to discovering where I’m resistant to my goal and dealing with that so that I can be more open and receptive. I’m also committed to laying the footwork that brings me closer to more financial success in my business. As I say in this post on marriage, I look forward to achieving my goal. I just might not quite believe it until I see it.

I don’t know enough about the Law of Attraction and its history to say whether my approach falls within the bounds of effective mental processes. I do know enough about Jesus’ other teachings to say that I’m pretty sure faith isn’t about perfection of thought or laying on the guilt when things don’t go as envisioned. I’ll keep you posted on how this refined *belief* works out for me.

And you? Where do you fall out with this?

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Posted in goals | 2 Comments »

Admit you have a problem (but don’t obsess!)

Written by Jennifer on 14th October 2009

I was struck this morning by an article in the Philadelphia Inquirer about tinnitus – a “phantom” ringing in the ears that results from no external prompt and that can nearly drive people over the brink. The brain is confused and by what, scientists have yet to discover.

One predominant treatment is called masking therapy, whereby you block out the ringing with another noise (white noise, television) until the brain learns to ignore the ringing.

“The goal is to retrain the brain to ignore the disruptive noise, the same way it stops noticing highway traffic or the neighbor’s barking dog.”

However, some people make no headway with this treatment. Lack of improvement can result from obsession over the ringing or when sufferers  get stonewalled by the limbic system which, among other things, controls our  emotional response. To quote the article’s expert:

“If you hate dogs or hate your neighbor, that barking sound is not going to fade into the background.”

Isn’t that amazing?!? In these cases where tinnitus is idiopathic and no physical medical treatment is available, we can impede recovery by:

  1. Obsessing on the problem
  2. Overlaying “negative” emotions

I’m all for calling a spade a spade. If life sucks, name it. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in most kinds of recovery – be it addiction, hearing loss, unemployment or spiritual emptiness. Apparently, though, there’s a lot to be said for letting go and making peace with the thorns in our sides. Only then might we be able to remove them.

What about you? How have you noticed that an obsession with what’s wrong actually impedes your forward progress?*  Can you identify the direct and tangential emotions involved?

Please post your thoughts below!

I’d like to clarify an important distinction here. Most of us actually obsess over symptoms or get wrapped up in complaint. I would guess that 75% of my clients come to coaching unable to truly identify the problem they are facing – the fundamental root of their struggle or the real reason for any goal that they have set. The problem must be clearly named first in order to ensure successful forward movement. Doing this (sometimes time-heavy) work of identifying the problem is different than obsessing!

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Posted in goals, health, problem-solving | No Comments »

From This Day Forward

Written by Jennifer on 1st September 2009

I awoke today to find that the dishes had been done, a love letter was waiting for me and my husband was offering me a smiling face and a warm hug.

Nothing terribly unusual there.

Except that today is our 7th wedding anniversary.

Wedding Photo

Part of the anniversary ritual in our relationship involves my expression of astonishment: Can you BELIEVE we made it another year?!?!

Scott rolls his eyes and says yes, yes he can believe that we’ve “lasted” this long, he fully anticipated it and would I kindly have a little faith.

But here’s the deal: Scott always wanted to be married and imagined himself married. It seemed a pipe dream to me. You can read about some of my commitment issues here. And you can also know that as of this year or next I will have officially been married longer than my parents.

There’s something more, however, that I’m finally beginning to understand. My yearly exclamation is not just about disbelief or family history or fear of commitment. It’s also about putting lifelong commitment in its place, which is to say that a generative marriage is among the most difficult, challenging and awe-inspiring feats two people can create together. Not only does a marriage that really works for both partners require love, shared values, hard work and a whole lot of room to make mistakes; it also takes being in the right place at the right time. It requires luck.

Said another way, exclaiming my surprise at another year of marriage is a simple act of humility.

I can’t wait to celebrate these last seven years with Scott. I am so proud of them, of my choice to marry him, of the choice I have made every day since then. I look forward to celebrating year eight, too, and years 12 and 19 and 45. That’s what having faith means, isn’t it?

Just like today, however, I know I’ll be amazed. Surprised, even. Nearly in disbelief.

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Posted in commitment, goals, happiness | 6 Comments »

Watch the Jiggle

Written by Jennifer on 16th June 2009

The context:

My husband, Scott, ran his very first marathon this past weekend in Lake Placid. My brother, Conrad, is also a runner. More to the point, he always has advice and, if he cares about you, he shares it.

Appreciating how difficult it is to run long distances, my brother sent Scott a motivational email prior to race day. In addition to pre-race breakfast suggestions like eating condensed chicken soup and pancakes (really, Con?) and the need to pick out a hidden tree so as to avoid long port-a-potty lines, Conrad addressed the mental game that all runners must deal with.

My favorite advice:

Watch the jiggling rear of the woman in front of you.  Sure, there was the more traditional counsel of trying to figure out how long it would take my other brother to get sunburned on the family trip to the beach this summer; or making sure to not even allow the tiniest bit of negativity to enter the mind. But this piece of wisdom just captured my imagination. Clearly.

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The result:

It turns out that Conrad’s specific jiggle advice wasn’t what proved to be most helpful. The Lake Placid Marathon is only 5 years old and, as such, only had about 300 people complete the entire 26.2 miles. The other 2,000 participants ran the half-marathon or dropped out. Once the half-marathoners headed toward the finish line and the marathoners turned around for their second 13-mile lap, the road was a lonely one. When I saw Scott at the 20-mile checkpoint, he was running solo. There was no jiggle to be had.

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The analogy:

On the long drive home from Lake Placid, I was sharing with Scott how I can become overwhelmed in my business. Get There From Here has grown steadily since I hung my shingle 2.5 years ago and I find that being a one-woman operation is growing old.  I sometimes feel like I’m at mile 20, with no one else around and all I notice is the burn in my quads and the way my shirt keeps chafing my neck.

So I asked Scott how he did it. Having never run further than 20 miles and having trained for a mountain race on the flat streets of Philadelphia, how did he convince himself to keep going? To not even break for a walk?

Turns out Scott did watch the jiggle – when it was around. He also tried to calculate how long it would take for that other brother to get sunburned on the beach. But mostly, he refused to entertain even the tiniest negative thought. The moment one showed up, he did as Conrad suggested and replaced it with something positive.

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The takeaway:

I’ve decided to refocus. The burning quads and chafing shirt are simply part of the deal. It’s what I signed up for when I decided to start my own business with no prior experience. But there are people out there with funny signs that say things like “watch the jiggle.” And there’s the fact that I’ve managed to grow a business in this economy. And there are my amazing clients. And there’s that abiding sense of satisfaction. And . . .

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Posted in commitment, goals, inspiration | 8 Comments »

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