Archive for the ‘freedom’ Category

Burglaries and Non Attachment

You know how almost everyone you know owns a TV? How that TV is usually at least 32 inches or maybe upwards of a 47 inch? How you squint when you encounter a screen smaller than that on the rare occasions you find yourself in your grandmom’s guest bedroom? How you feel like you might as well take out your laptop if you’re going to bother with a screen that size?

When my husband and I moved from our small apartment to our spacious (we’re talking row home spacious) house, we never bothered to upgrade from the 19 incher that had previously fit so seamlessly into our tiny apartment living room. Sure, no one has been banging down our door to watch football games or Olympic tournaments. And maybe we’ve been sliding the furniture a few feet closer to the TV when there’s something on we want to watch, but we’ve made do. There are other things to spend money on – organic food, Spanish shoes, Spanish hotels. You get the point.

So the chumps who broke into our house while we were away in Guatemala recently must have been REALLY disappointed to discover they picked the only house on the block with a TV smaller than many computer monitors. Bummer, dude.

Of course, that’s not the only thing that was taken. To date the tally includes the TV, a computer (with all pictures, financial records and 20 years of my husband’s professional career and personal writing pursuits – not backed up), a marathon medal, the change jar, a duffel bag and laundry hamper with at least one pair of shorts.

Naturally, the computer was a painful loss, especially for Scott. I was more irritated about the damn change jar, which actually  included quarters since we’re no longer hitting up the laundromat and don’t cling to them like gold.

But just a few hours after we’d discovered the theft, Scott had this to say: “You know, I’m going to need to re-create quite a few documents for my new business, which really sucks. But to be honest, there’s something freeing about letting go of all that creative and professional history. Like I can start anew, from right here, where I am today.” Or something like that.

Our history generally provides a tremendously useful foundation for continuing to launch ourselves forward through life. There’s a sense of building and of growth. Sometimes, however, we don’t get the choice to keep building on to what we’ve already created – be it a career or a relationship or a piece of art. Sometimes, our tangible history gets taken away from us and we have to start anew, from right here, from where we are today.

Given the choice, I bet Scott would choose to have that history back. I certainly would. That’s not to say it’d be what’s best, though.

Day 14: Divorce (30th Birthday Countdown)

As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!

Okay, on the one hand, I don’t get a say in the value of divorce. After all I haven’t been divorced and therefore haven’t suffered the heartache, the sense of disillusionment and failure or the struggle to communicate a new life situation.

But I am what the kids these days call a “child of divorce” and I am married to a man who was also married previously (and subsequently divorced, lest you think we’ve got something entirely different going on).

In any event, it doesn’t matter, because this is my blog and my countdown of things I celebrate.

(I really wish I could credit the designer here; alas, unknown.)

Chapter One

It all started before I was born. My mother divorced her first husband with whom she had three kids (my half siblings). She married my father and had two more kids (me and my brother). Her ex-husband married a divorced woman who had one kid (my half-step-sister). My mother and my father divorced and he married Stephanie and, after Stephanie died, JoAnn, who has two kids (my stepsisters).

And now we have the biggest, most confusing and delightful family ever. (Which reminds me: I tend to celebrate divorce very little around the holidays.)

Chapter Two

To be honest, I was significantly less inclined to celebrate divorce before meeting my husband. Certainly, his recounting of his own experience clarified the underpinning of deep loss many divorcees experience and the many reasons it should not be taken lightly. But you can imagine how divorce rose in the rankings once I fell madly in love and realized I’d never have had the opportunity to spend my life with him had he not extricated himself from his first marriage.

Chapter Three

I also have friends and colleagues and clients who have been married and divorced and, for many of them, living in a time and place where divorce is an option has provided them with increased opportunities to be whole, happy and authentic. Because they have suffered the loss of a marriage, their ability to empathize has deepened; because they are able to find healthier relationships, their ability to love is widened; because they are no longer burdened by abusive or manipulative partners, they are able to contribute more fully.

In Conclusion

Divorce has been a HUGE part of my life. It’s fundamentally impossible to imagine my life without it and I have a pretty sweet life. So tonight I think I’ll celebrate by calling my step-mom, facebooking with my half-step-sister and joining my husband in raising a glass to being able to sign on the dotted line and start life anew…

Day 6: Conrad (30th Birthday Countdown)

In the summer of 1978, when he was just 12 years old, he moved to a new town. On the first day at his new school, so the story goes, he was ridiculed for wearing purple pants. Instead of becoming a bully or shrinking away in embarrassment, he responded as most kids naturally would: he did a handstand and proceeded to walk across the school yard upside-down. He had no trouble after that.

Today, he’s an athlete. An electrician. A beer-drinking, Las Vegas-loving, deer-hunting kinda guy.

AND he’s a substitute teacher. A soccer coach. A brushing-his-daughter’s-hair, playing-with-all-the-babies, sewing-on-Girl-Scout-patches kinda guy.

He is one of the most inventive people I know and at fourteen years my senior, Conrad, a.k.a. Connie, is the oldest of my four siblings. He also happens to be one of the most slippery people I’ve ever met when it comes to putting someone in a box. I absolutely adore that about him and consider that to be one of his greatest contributions to my life.

(Me and Connie, Christmas 1992)

There have been numerous other gifts, too. Connie:

  • changed my diapers
  • showed me how to kick a soccer ball
  • came to most of games
  • paid me $50 every time a I got straight A’s in school
  • taught me how to vision my way out of a headache
  • came to see me off to my Junior prom
  • recently assembled a birthday gift I gave him 20 years ago
  • let me spend the night at his house when I was furious with my husband

I celebrate all of the love and care these acts represent. But it is truly the fact that he seems comfortable being a walking anomaly, living outside the bounds of anyone’s expectations for his life that I find so damn impressive and inspiring.

So Con, the next beer’s on me. After that, maybe we can race in the 50-yard dash and then hit up the Jo-Ann Fabrics…

Day 5: Riding Bikes (30th Birthday Countdown)

As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!

If you grew up in small town America you know exactly what I’m talking about. Bike riding wasn’t just a means of transportation from point A to point B, it was an end in and of itself. As in, “Let’s ride bikes.”

To this day, I can picture myself decorating the single speed with training wheels and riding through town for the 4th of July Parade. I can feel the pain from the torn off finger nail when I fell off my first big girl bike racing a neighbor around the block. I can almost taste the exhilaration of sneaking out at midnight with a friend to ride my brother’s bike to my boyfriend’s house. And I can remember hanging out with friends atop my first 10-speed in the Cumberland Farms’ parking lot.

Even though I live in the city now and almost always wear a helmet, riding bikes still feels essentially the same to me – like freedom.

So today I celebrate not the utility of a bike, but the open air, the euphoria of coasting with no hands on the handlebars, the riskiness of riding someone’s pegs and the friends who’d call up the ol’ land line and say, “Let’s ride bikes!”

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