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Day 14: Divorce (30th Birthday Countdown)

Written by Jennifer on 1st March 2010

As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!

Okay, on the one hand, I don’t get a say in the value of divorce. After all I haven’t been divorced and therefore haven’t suffered the heartache, the sense of disillusionment and failure or the struggle to communicate a new life situation.

But I am what the kids these days call a “child of divorce” and I am married to a man who was also married previously (and subsequently divorced, lest you think we’ve got something entirely different going on).

In any event, it doesn’t matter, because this is my blog and my countdown of things I celebrate.

(I really wish I could credit the designer here; alas, unknown.)

Chapter One

It all started before I was born. My mother divorced her first husband with whom she had three kids (my half siblings). She married my father and had two more kids (me and my brother). Her ex-husband married a divorced woman who had one kid (my half-step-sister). My mother and my father divorced and he married Stephanie and, after Stephanie died, JoAnn, who has two kids (my stepsisters).

And now we have the biggest, most confusing and delightful family ever. (Which reminds me: I tend to celebrate divorce very little around the holidays.)

Chapter Two

To be honest, I was significantly less inclined to celebrate divorce before meeting my husband. Certainly, his recounting of his own experience clarified the underpinning of deep loss many divorcees experience and the many reasons it should not be taken lightly. But you can imagine how divorce rose in the rankings once I fell madly in love and realized I’d never have had the opportunity to spend my life with him had he not extricated himself from his first marriage.

Chapter Three

I also have friends and colleagues and clients who have been married and divorced and, for many of them, living in a time and place where divorce is an option has provided them with increased opportunities to be whole, happy and authentic. Because they have suffered the loss of a marriage, their ability to empathize has deepened; because they are able to find healthier relationships, their ability to love is widened; because they are no longer burdened by abusive or manipulative partners, they are able to contribute more fully.

In Conclusion

Divorce has been a HUGE part of my life. It’s fundamentally impossible to imagine my life without it and I have a pretty sweet life. So tonight I think I’ll celebrate by calling my step-mom, facebooking with my half-step-sister and joining my husband in raising a glass to being able to sign on the dotted line and start life anew…

Tags: celebration, change, divorce, holidays
Posted in authenticity, celebration, change, communication, freedom, holidays | 7 Comments »

What? Say no to making New Year’s resolutions?!?

Written by Jennifer on 6th January 2010

You get about 75 million hits when searching google with keywords New + Year’s + Resolution. Everywhere I turn, it seems someone else is offering me THE top 5 tips for having my best year ever!!!

You’ve seen this, too, I’m sure and I’m curious: has it proven helpful to you? No? Yes? No matter. Let me add my voice to the cacophonous mess.

I was at the gym last night and overwhelmed at the staggering difference between the average number of people working out on any given night last month as compared to the zoo that was last night.

My husband commented that this was kinda cool. Health and fitness are good things to acheive and he wanted to celebrate the effort of those new to these goals. I rolled my eyes (how coach-like of me!) and said, “I know I can tend a little cynical, but how many of these folks do you think will be here in six months?”

Because I work with people on change all the time, I know how absolutely challenging it can be to sustain, especially without support. And for many people, New Year’s Resolutions are empty promises to themselves, often borne out of what they think they should do, not borne out of who they really are and what they really want. They often don’t even solve any existing problems which, quite frankly, is a real shot in motivation’s foot.

So if you’re among the masses who have identified any resolutions/goals/intentions for 2010 (I have), let me offer two bits of advice:

1. Ensure that it actually solves a real problem that you have (e.g., I will perform my physical therapy exercises three times a week because the pain caused by my poor posture is impeding my ability to function well)

2. Don’t commit to it if you don’t really want to

David Allen said, “Most of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not keeping agreements they’ve made with themselves.”

It’s counterintuitive to all the New Year’s hype, perhaps, but I seriously urge you to let go of making any agreements with yourself that you don’t anticipate keeping. I want you to have a very successful, meaningful and prosperous year. If that means letting some resolutions go, then by all means, take this coach’s suggestion and do just that!

Tags: change, goals, holidays, sustainability
Posted in authenticity, change, commitment, goals, happiness, holidays, inspiration, problem-solving, sustainability | 4 Comments »

Barking up the Wrong Tree

Written by Jennifer on 1st December 2009

I was scheduled to be giving a very significant presentation at the ICF Annual Conference Global Leadership Forum tomorrow. The largest and most influential association for coaches, the International Coach Federation accredits coach training institutions and certifies coaches. I am a member, I currently serve on the executive board of its Philadelphia chapter and I also lead a small interest group on their behalf for 20- and 30-something coaches.

Back in June, I accepted the invitation to speak at this significant gathering of many of the head honchos in my profession. It’s a good gig. Noteworthy. Impressive, even. Validating.

As time went on and more details were solidified, I came to several realizations, the most important of which was that delivering this presentation wasn’t purposeful for me. Sparing the details, I began to see how this presentation would equivocate barking up the wrong tree. I made the hard decision to renig on this sweet deal (read: ego likes noteworthy, impressive, validating activities).

Wrong Way, Go Back

Many of my clients come to me barking up the wrong tree. Sometimes they know it and want help finding the right tree. Other times they insist the wrong tree is the right tree. If you think you might be barking up the wrong tree, spend time with the following:

When I imagine following through on this, I feel ________.
When I imagine letting go of this, I feel _______.
The cost of letting go of this is _______.
The benefit of letting go of this is _______.
This is/isn’t purposeful for me because _______.

The process of exploring this speaking opportunity got me in touch with some ideas and dreams I had set aside. It awakened me to more purposeful activity that is already proving generative and exciting. And while saying no may cost me some leverage and recognition within the coaching community, I am certain the cost of following through would have been higher.

Most of us take some inventory of the past year in December and begin envisioning the next one. As you do so, I invite you to consider that any changes you want to make must be purposeful in order to be truly sustainable. Are you ready to begin barking up the right trees?

Posted in authenticity, purpose, sustainability | No Comments »

Eternal Ephemera

Written by Jennifer on 24th November 2009

Most of us have those boxes – old shoeboxes or plastic bins the size of small trunks – that get filled up with the ephemera and memorabilia of our lives. The medals we won doing the backwards crab walk at Field Day in the 3^rd grade; the Girl Scouts uniform with a sash full of patches; the scholarship essays that resulted in bonds that will be worth face value by the time Medicare kicks in.

And for me, during a recent basement organization project, it also included pained poems written by my teenaged self and love letters from my very first boyfriend.

I’ll spare myself (and that first boyfriend) from sharing the details of said ephemera here. I will offer, however, that which was most fascinating to me, most surprising about what I’d written: the person I am now, I was then and the person I was then, I am now.

I have long believed that life is not only a process of creation, but one of discovery and I am more convinced of that now than ever before. Underneath the teenage experience and angst in my journals and poetry is some core part of the same person who shows up today to write this blog. I am certain it is the same person who will (I hope) one day write about what she’s experiencing in 2045.

As I find myself nearing this Thanksgiving holiday, I am surprised to note that I feel most thankful for the simple fact that I am me. Not because of what I have or what I’ve done or who I know – although I could fill tomes with gratitude for those things. And not in spite of all my shortcomings and limitations. I am thankful because there’s this essential, unchanging part of me that is amazing.

Last week, I had the opportunity to see that very first boyfriend and I copied two of those love letters and returned them to him. While the letters were addressed to me, they speak volumes about who he was, who he no doubt still is. It is my hope that they offer him a window into his own beautiful self and that he feels gratitude for that essential, unchanging part of who he is.

May you, too, celebrate with much thanks the beautiful person you are. What a tremendous gift!

Tags: ephemera, gratitude, inspiration, self
Posted in authenticity, gratitude, happiness, holidays | 3 Comments »

To Be Pleasant and Memorable

Written by Jennifer on 4th August 2009

Who doesn’t love a good email forward?!?!?

Okay, I don’t either. I’ve discovered, however, that they have this interesting disarming quality to them, especially when they are packaged with cute photos of animals or children.

See, you're hooked now, right?

It’s like talking to a dear friend who believes passionately about something and during the discourse, you feel your head nodding yes and your eyebrows raised in agreement. It’s not until you walk away that you realize that no, you don’t actually think waterboarding is ethically sound.

I received a forward today that compared the experience of life to that of a train journey. We get on board when we are born; we disembark when we die. The other passengers are our friends, etc.

As any recipient of such dispatches knows, the meaning is inevitably made clear enough that your 3 year old nephew would understand – no critical thinking required. This is handy. After all, I’m certainly not going to spend time on the deconstruction of a feel-good Power Point presentation that I feel compelled to read because I like sender.

Back to life = train ride. I’m moving quickly through the slide, gently rolling my eyes at the positive use of the word “baggage.” And then comes the message:

“Above all, we should all strive to make the ride as pleasant and memorable as we can.”

I feel my eyebrows raise a bit, my head lean to the left and a slight nod start at the top of my spine. This is nice, I think. Pleasant and memorable. I like pleasant – it’s comforting, reassuring, unobtrusive. And who doesn’t want to remember positive events? Or be remembered? Maybe I should think more about being pleasant and memorable.

And then my brows furrow. Pleasant and memorable? Pleasant is as vanilla as vanilla gets and memorable seems like a partial waste, considering you know, death.

What about bold? Powerful? Creative? Helpful? Connected? Authentic?

But what I really want is to hear from you. Play a little Mad Libs, fill in the blanks and share below:

Above all, we should all strive to make the ride as _____________ and ______________ as we can.

Tags: authenticity, purpose
Posted in authenticity, inspiration | 3 Comments »